You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
