Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
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Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
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All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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