My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
