i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
