I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
