I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
