If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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