Swine flu. Run for my life!
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
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