Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I would ride that face into the sunset
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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