I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
