I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
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she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
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Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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