do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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