your thong is hanging out like whoa
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
