I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
