am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
