I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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