just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
