Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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