We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize