Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
