I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
its liver damage thursday
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