my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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