omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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