I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
