I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
