I need to stop coming to work sober
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Pants are for mortals
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
