there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
