i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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