My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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