Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
