I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
