I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
