I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
