mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
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The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
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There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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