I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
