pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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