you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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