If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
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There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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