I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
