Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
