I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize