never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
