I just threw up on my dentist
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
