Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
