I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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