My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
