you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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