Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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