If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
