she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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