I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name