Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.