you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
