Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My penis needs a shock collar
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
