Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I think pants incapable of making pants work
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
