Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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