saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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