Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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