Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i wish my penis had a tongue
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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